How I Called Back the Hidden, Given, Once Lost & Stolen Parts of Me.
“Here I was surrounded by my guides, angels, ancestors(that are for my highest good), my higher self and the rest of my spirit team, clutching my pillow as if it were my inner child rocking back and forth bawling my eyes out, feeling my hurt and pain in its entirety, and releasing it into the Ether.”
*SPOLIER ALERT!! IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED "Raya and the Last Dragon" this blog has spoilers in it. *
*TRIGGER WARNING* I talk about my sexual assault trauma and how I created a ritual to help my inner child heal and release.
I had always been intrigued by shrooms in my early adulthood but never really felt called to experiment with them. It wasn't until I dived deeper into my healing journey is when they were reintroduced to me. I had seen plenty of videos of how they alter your state of consciousness and allow you to heal aspects of yourself. On the flip side I had also heard how they could be possibly dangerous and could cause a form of psychosis. Even with knowing about the perceived dangers I was still intrigued and I wanted to learn more. I wasn’t fully sold on trying shrooms until I had watched some documentary on Netflix about the benefits of doing hallucinogenics and how they help heal the subconscious mind and when I researched shroom’s effects on the psyche. So when the opportunity arose I jumped on it. I was initially nervous when I was asked but I had time to prepare and my spirit team had also prepared me for what was to come. I had been getting downloads(messages from my higher self, and spirit team) about how my very first shroom trip would go. Before taking the shrooms my friend told me to set an intention(he also told me that if I did them again to always set an intention) that way my trip would be smoother and I would go in with an intention of how I wanted the trip to go. Needless to say I had an amazing time my first go round and I felt comfortable enough to try them again.
The third time I did them was a solo trip. I was excited yet slightly nervous but I knew what was going to happen, like my first and second time I had gotten downloads about this trip. I was going to focus on inner child healing and shadow work. Prior to this I had been connecting with my inner child by doing things I loved to do as a child(swinging on swings, watching cartoons and eating chicken nuggets and fries). I picked a time frame where I knew I had at least 4 days off because for me personally I needed 24 hours at least to recover afterwards. I knew I was going to be "tripping" for most of the night into the next day so I was going to need an extra day for my body to adjust going through such high frequencies and from returning to some of my lowest moments. I also wanted to be home when I did them because my room is a sacred space for me and where I knew I'd feel the safest. An associate at the time knew someone who could get shrooms for me in a candy bar which I preferred because shrooms have an acquired taste that I can't always tolerate. Once I had gotten the bars and was home I lit my candles on my altars(ancestors, guides, archangels and two deities I venerate). I also lit a candle on an altar I created for my higher self/inner child while also calling them into my space asking them to heal, shield and protect me from anything that wasn't for my highest good and asking them to guide and comfort me through my trip. I was guided to cleanse my space with Rosemary, Yerba Santa and Frankincense and I made sure I had enough water to last me until the end of my trip. Once that was complete I restated my intentions of doing inner child healing and shadow work and made myself comfortable on my bed and began eating a bar.
It hadn't taken long for the shrooms to take affect it was 30/45 minutes after consuming the bar that I felt the trip began. As soon as I felt the first wave start I asked my inner child what movie did she want to watch, I instantly got the theme song for "Despicable Me”(*sings* I'm having a bad bad day It's about time that I get my way) stuck in my head. I turn it on and prepare myself for the ride. It didn't take long for me to realize that this movie was bringing up my abandonment issues. The scene where Margo tells Gru that he gave them back and that he didn’t want them anymore is what my higher self and inner child wanted me to pay attention to. As I felt the emotions I focused on comforting my inner child and talked her through it and told her that she was safe to heal and that her pain did not go unnoticed by me. I told her that it was okay to release it and I allowed the tears to flow. It was important to me that I validate my own pain in my experience because growing up my emotions weren’t validated and a major part of reparenting yourself comes with validating your own emotions so you won’t seek validation from outside sources. Once the movie was over I felt a small weight lift off of me. I felt the healing that was taking place not just for me but for my inner child as well. I asked my inner child what she wanted to watch next and she stated that she wanted to watch "Raya and the Last Dragon". I asked her if she was sure because I had looked up an article about the movie and knew that the theme would revolve around sexual trauma. She had told me that she was ready so I didn't question her any further and pressed play.
Even though I had been tripping for over an hour I honestly feel like I didn't actually start until this movie began playing. The movie started off telling you about Kumandra( which for me represented being whole) and then tells how Kumandra broke apart into 5 different sections(Tail, Talon, Spine, Heart and Fang). Tail, Talon, Spine, Heart and Fang represent the 7 main chakras in the body(Root, Sacral, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, Third Eye and Crown). You see the main character Raya traveling through Tail which is a representation of how Kundalini energy travels from the Root chakra upwards. It is also known that when a person has had any form of sexual trauma it is stored in the lower three chakras (Root, Sacral, and Solar Plexus). Sexual trauma affects all three chakras differently and drastically. The Root chakra deals with our foundation, our safety and our basic survival needs. The Sacral chakra deals with our emotions, sensitivity, sexuality, and self expression. While our Solar Plexus chakra deals with our confidence, self-esteem and helps us feel in control of our lives.
I noticed immediately that Raya and Namaari were one in the same, they were aspects of my inner child. As I continued to watch the movie, the fight that happens in Sisu's Gem garden represented my sexual trauma which lead to Raya(me) blaming Namaari(me) for the gem(my innocence) being destroyed(me being broken and my innocence tainted). During this point in the movie I had allowed myself to get distracted and my higher self told me to pay attention. It was around the time where Tuk Tuk gets distracted for the second time in the movie when they are in Tail where I accidentally changed the channel. As soon as I turn it back on Raya tells Tuk Tuk "you're so easily distracted" and right after is when a Drunn pops up. It was one of the most cliche moments of that night. It was also in that moment when I remembered a conversation I had with a friend who had been pushing me to watch this movie. He had actually given me the idea to watch it while on shrooms and he had told me to put my phone on “do not disturb” so I wouldn't be distracted. So after receiving heavy side eye action from my higher self I put my phone on DND and refocused on the movie.
When Raya does the ritual to invoke Sisu she is calling her inner child, she is calling in the aspect of herself she thinks is lost. Sisu is the aspect of Raya before the sexual assault, the aspect that still trusts not only herself but other people, the part of her that hasn't been "tainted". When Sisu touches the gem her and Raya begin to realize that they both were still connected to the lost and stolen aspects of themselves. Which brought my inner child to a place of under and inner standing that we were never broken or tainted, we had allowed our trauma to blind us and now here we were collecting the pieces of ourselves that we thought were lost, stolen or we had given away, we were collecting all aspects of ourselves, we were calling all of them back home. While I acknowledged her pain and made space for her, we were becoming whole again. As the movie progressed and Raya and Sisu collect the gem piece from the Tail chief they run into Namaari. Namaari represented the aspect of myself that I blamed for the sexual trauma. I had blamed myself for what happened and I had felt like if I was strong enough to protect myself it wouldn’t have happened and I had also been told by my abuser that it was my fault which later on fueled the anger and hate I felt for myself. Raya wasn’t only mad at Namaari she was mad at herself, she felt just as responsible for the gem being broken.
While going in and out of altered states of reality while watching the movie I start crying again. I knew from the first tear drop that these weren’t my tears but the tears of my inner child. When we start to heal, we heal the adult aspect of ourselves not realizing that the inner child stays stuck in the place or heartache, pain and trauma. My inner child was getting her chance to release and heal. She was allowing herself to be overcome with her grief that she had buried and suppressed. At this point in the movie I was instructed by my higher self to sit up, as I did so I began to rock back and forth. Women hold trauma in their hips so my higher self was getting me to move and rock to release that energy. I closed my eyes and allowed the music of the movie to takeover me as I began rocking from side to side and circling my hips, while telling my inner child “we are safe, we are home” I kept repeating this mantra while I raised my arms in the air and let my body sway in any direction. I could literally feel the energy moving up my chakras and as I felt the energy move to each chakra I would yawn out a release. To a regular person I probably looked like a mad woman swaying back and forth and around with my hands in the air, eyes closed and tears streaming down my face, but to me I was partaking in a sacred ritual I had created for myself while chanting a mantra I made solely for this moment. Here I was surrounded by my guides, angels, ancestors(that are for my highest good), my higher self and the rest of my spirit team, clutching my pillow as if it were my inner child rocking back and forth bawling my eyes out, feeling my hurt and pain in its entirety, and releasing it into the Ether.
I was calling the fragments of myself back to me and they were gathering. When the rising energy reached my throat chakra I felt this big release come out of my mouth in what felt like a yawn mixed with a sigh. After that happened I had felt like the final puzzle piece had been placed into the puzzle. I felt whole and I knew that I had completed what I set out to do. At the end of the ritual I had realized that every character represented aspects of myself that I had gathered and called home. The child I was before the sexual assault, the child who thought she lost her innocence, the child who blamed herself for what happened to her, the child that lost everything and became extremely independent, the child who used her features to manipulate and con those around her, and even to some degree aspects of the person who assaulted me. Not only had I called them home, I embraced them with open arms and a mind free of judgement. I called home lost pieces of myself from my childhood but also the pieces I had given to others, parts that I had hidden and parts of myself that were stolen along the 31 years of me living. I had integrated all of them, it was finally done. I was safe. I was whole. I was finally home.
****DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A SUGGESTION THAT YOU SHOULD TRY SHROOMS THIS IS JUST MY EXPERIENCE. THIS IS WHAT HELPED ME HEAL.****