Ending the Generational Trauma That Was Passed Down From Grandmother to Mother & from Mother to Daughter
Even though we weren't physically there we had always carried each other in our hearts, prayers, wishes and even tears.
If someone where to ask me what was the highlight of my 31st year alive, I wouldn't even have to think of the answer. I would give them the date of December 7, 2022 just four days before my 32nd birthday, because it's when the wish I had been carrying around since I could remember, came true. Two years ago had been the start of this journey unbeknownst to my mother and to some degree even myself. Two years ago I had come out to visit my mother, brother and step-dad in Germany. I was excited to see them and had missed them dearly, however there were still some unresolved unconscious emotions that I had yet to deal with yet alone know of. It was also around this time where I had been at the precipice of my spiritual and healing journey. I had yet to discover the layers of healing that would be revealed to me in the following years. While the visit had brought each of us closer I had still felt like there was something missing. I had been doing the healing in regards to my mother wounds but some how my healing felt incomplete and rather than sit and bang my head against the wall to figure it out, I flowed with the moment. My mom and I had a girls trip to Venice that following February and even though we had a blast I still found myself being guarded with her. It was like someone inside of me was terrified to let the walls I had built up down. Even though it was a breath of fresh air for us to be actively learning each other I was still so terrified.
When the pandemic lockdown hit I wasn't able to travel so I spent a lot of time working, healing, learning, revealing, crying and getting to know myself. 2020 well into 2022 had been another major catalyst for my healing. I had spent a lot of time in solitude and was in a constant cycle of introspection and transformation. 2021 is when I had learned about my inner child and how she was the one hidden in my subconscious holding onto to the hurt, pain and abandonment. While adult me had healed and moved on she was using those things as a life raft to keep herself afloat. She was trapped in the mental and emotional places that hurt her the most. She also held onto old beliefs she leaned in her survival mode. It wasn't until September/ November 2021 that I had begun to form a relationship with my inner child. I began by simply asking her what she wanted and at the time she wanted chicken nuggets and French fries constantly and went from there. I had to gain her trust again, I betrayed and broken my own heart numerous times, so like any broken relationship I had to start from scratch. I had to build a stable foundation of trust and unconditional love. When I created the inner child healing ritual and helped her release all of the pain that she was holding onto, is when I started seeing things actively change for me. After the inner child healing I had to address my inner teen while also calling back the pieces of myself. Dealing with my inner teen meant I had to face all of the anger and rage I held in my heart not only for those who hurt me but even for myself. I had stopped listening to myself and would allow adults and other people to mold me into who they wanted me to be. I had to sit in my anger and tell myself that anger and rage weren't "bad" emotions, my anger was warranted and that because I was angry that didn't make me a bad person. After that I was starting to step into my authentic self more and more and with that came many realizations. Both my father and mother came from very rough upbringings. They both had their fair share of trauma, and in the midst of them being weighed down by their own trauma and the generational trauma of their families they not only had to figure out how they were going to survive for themselves but also for their children.
Being gifted the chance to see how I shifted out of survival mode into thriving before having children of my own made me realize that my parents didn't have that luxury. It was non-stop survival mode for them not because they wanted to but simply because they didn't have the time to grieve old versions of themselves or the time to even sort out where to begin healing. Their kids came even before themselves. Healing and grieving had no place in their mind when they had to wonder where the next meal was coming from or how to get me or my brother to and from school. My father moved us to the projects because that's all he could afford and even though my father sheltered me from seeing how much we struggled I saw glimpses of it when he had to ask family members for help and they couldn't or wouldn't. I didn't see how much my mother struggled because I hadn't lived with her. Coming to an understanding of how my parents did the best they could with what hands they were dealt with made any anger and rage I had towards them simmer. I was able to look at them from a place of empathy instead pain and anger. I had come to an even deeper level of empathy for my mom, I hadn't known her story or her struggle fully at the time but still I empathized with her. She had to make an extremely difficult decision one that would altar not only her life but mine as well and in that moment she made what she thought was the right choice. I couldn't and wouldn't fault her for doing what she thought was right. I had come to the realization that I didn't harbor any anger or resentment towards my mother, I just wanted to know why she left. I also came to the realization that the pain I felt stymied from what I thought was her rejecting me.
Fast forward to December 7, 2022 and after having a heart to heart conversation and learning my mother's story I'm glad I healed so I could hear her story from a healed prospective instead of a wounded one. I would not have been in such an understanding and innerstanding place two years ago, hell even a year ago if I'm being honest.The adult me would have been able to understand but my inner child would still see through the lens of her own pain and grief. Hearing my mom talk about her life around the time I was conceived and born really opened my heart even more and not only did it give me a new perspective it gave me another level of compassion for her. When I was younger I would always angrily rant that I didn't know how a mother could leave her child and if I had to make the same decision as my mother I wouldn't. Now that I've matured, grown and healed I'm not sure I can undoubtedly say that if I were in my mother's shoe's I'd be able to make a different decision. But what I can say is that I'm happy I was afforded the opportunity to reconnect with my mother, and most importantly I'm even more glad I get to build a healthy relationship with her. All of the things I had wished and even prayed for as a child seem to be happening right before my very own eyes. Every little girl has dreams of how they want their relationship with their mother's to be and I am no different. I use to want to be able to "shop" in my mom's closet and steal her shoes, I wanted to also be able to 100% be myself around her without fear of being rejected or misunderstood. I wanted to be able to share all the juicy work and life stories with her. But most importantly I wanted to be able to be vulnerable and share my feelings, thoughts or even simply ask for advice. There are a million things I had wished I could do with my mom when I was younger and even though I didn't get the chance to do them then, I am doing them now. We are actively healing each other, learning each other and nurturing each other. I'm no longer afraid to show displays of affection with my mom and I honestly love that for me. I honestly am excited to see how our relationship flourishes from here on out.