Dark Side Of The Moon Part 1: The Inner Child Finds Her Voice

How My Spiritual Journey Allowed Me To Unpack and Heal My Trauma and Pain Around My Motherwound & Abandonment Issues

*WARNING* This post contains triggers but it also contains healing. Everyone believes in something different any and all Religious/Spiritual beliefs will always be respected here. I am in no way shape or form bashing/shaming anyone I am simply telling my story, sharing my truth.

"Healing requires us to be honest with ourselves, to see that we are the ones holding on to what is harming us and it's our choice to let it go and be free."

No one knows what's in store for them when they enter this world. We aren't handed a roadmap on the way out or have a crash course about life. I believe in life we are spiritual beings having a human experience. This experience gives us the power to make it as good or bad as we want. However my mindset wasn't always like this. In order to get to the place where I am spiritually, I needed to go through a process of unlearning, unpacking and reprograming. I had to heal my trauma and pain to begin to manifest a more positive outlook. It was not a cake walk. I felt(and still do feel) like I walked through Hell. I would be lying if I said it was easy and no tears were shed, I cried a lot. Most of my tears weren't even physical tears, my soul would cry out. If I'm being honest with you guys, this is something I am still working through. I have not finished the healing process and I am not sure that a person ever does. Every day we have new experiences which can be triggers to past traumas that we have hidden deep inside our minds. I am still learning to breathe through my anxiety and fully process my emotions. What I know is that as long as I'm doing the work and growing, I'm making the correct choices.

Nine months ago I was in a really dark place spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. I was a shell of myself. Three of those nine months I did nothing but lay in bed and try to waste away. I was in a depressive episode. My emotions were an ocean that I was drowning in. My mind was a place of constant torment of negative self talk and nasty things I'd overheard others say about me. Spiritually I was done. I felt abandoned by God. It was as if He turned His back on me and I was disconnected from His grace, His mercy and Heaven. I teetered back and forth with the idea of committing suicide and ending my misery. However those thoughts always seemed to be plucked from my mind the minute they entered. As if some Divine force erased them from my mind. I had been boxing up everything and locking them in closets. Nothing ever stays locked up forever and I could feel the doors burst open with my demons pouring out demanding my attention. I was refusing to deal with them which meant they would pop up from time to time. They would appear in the emotional unavailable men I'd choose to date, the friends that seemed to take more than they gave(if they gave at all), even down to the self-sabotaging I'd done.

I had woken up one day and was tired of being tired and in pain. I honestly think the God in me was tired of it too because I heard a voice telling me that something needed to change. That something was me. I had voluntarily decided to continue going around the mountain, to keep repeating the same cycle. I was told that Einstein's definition of insanity was doing something repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. I realized what I was doing was exactly that, so I decided to do something different. I found a therapist, got on anti-depressants(that’s what I decided was best for me) and started back up my sessions with my spiritual mentor/coach (Ms. Kim Warner) again. I was slowly coming back to life again. I was starting the process to heal mind, body and soul. In my first session with my therapist she asked where did I want to start. I told her it was only fitting that we start from the beginning. During our introduction session I told her about the boxes of trauma I had. Together, with my therapist, we were able to label them as my mother, the sexual assault, and the miscarriage.

The first box: I had deep rooted mother wounds that started with my mother giving me to my father to raise as a single parent until I was 18. I learned that the trauma from my mother leaving created other issues to take root as well. I suffer from abandonment issues which made me cling to any and every relationship I had even if they weren't the most healthy. During that time, I did not know that. I thought it was normal because it was my normal. What you end up learning looking back is that abandonment has a friend who she invited to our party, her name is acceptance. To make sure the person wouldn't leave I would do whatever was needed to keep them around. Where they thought I was too strong I made myself weak. I dimmed my light when people thought it shined too bright. I held back what I truly wanted to say and what my honest opinion was because I was afraid of the person's disproval. If the person disproved what I said they would leave and I would be left alone.

When family members said they hated or disliked something about me, I'd changed it. Even if I loved the trait they hated, their approval was what mattered the most. I was literally in a never ending cycle of changing myself to please others. Slowly chipping away my true-self and replacing it with other people's expectations. Growing up some of my father's side of the family said some extremely hurtful and harmful things that ripped my wounds open more. Children are sponges and absorb everything. This is why we should always watch what we say to them. One of my cousins told me that my mother hated and didn't love me and that's why she left. Certain older cousins didn't like me and when they thought I wasn't listening or close by they voiced their true feelings. That kind of thing stuck with me as child and can do the same for other children. It changes how they see themselves. My feelings of neglect turned into feelings of being unworthy of anyone's love. By hearing all the different negative comments about who I was and why I was the way I was based on other people's projections, my self image was tarnished. My abandonment issues developed in to feelings of being unworthy of love. If my own mother could walk away from me at the point in my life when I was most vulnerable, how could I be deserving of love from any one else?

My dad did the best he could with the tools he had as a single parent. He showered me with love. As his only child, he down right spoiled me along with other relatives and my God parents. I think he was trying to make up for what we both thought I was lacking. I could see the reminder of what I didn't have daily. When I went over to a friend's house and watched their interaction with their mothers, there was a part of me that longed for it despite all of the things my father was doing. Even though I had mother figures throughout my life I still wanted the woman who birthed me to give me that. I couldn't understand why she couldn't or wouldn't. At one point in time I felt like if she didn't want me she honestly should've had an abortion. As time went on I stopped hoping that one day my mother would pop up and tell me that she was back and that she wanted me. I packed the wound with gauze and placed bandaids over it. I put my emotions about it in a box and pushed it to the darkest corner of my mind.

I was 18 when I connected with my mother and her side of the family. I opened my Facebook messenger to see a message from a man stating he was my Blasian uncle. He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them. I made the decision to go. I met my uncle, his wife, his son and daughter, and my older brother. My mother was overseas at that time so she wasn't there. I enjoyed meeting and spending time with them but on the inside I was tearing at the seams. The bandaids had long fallen off and the gauze was only hiding the infection that set in over time. Of course this is when emotions I thought I locked away began to resurface. In waltz my good old friend, abandonment. My need to please them into staying around kicked in. So I wore the mask that I had learned to put on when I was in survival mode. I shoved the real Jasmine in a crawl space and presented them with what I thought they wanted to see. In the end, I felt even more disconnected from them. Because in all honesty how can you feel connected to people who you've put on an act for?

I went back home feeling more unworthy than before and had so many questions. What took so long? Why wasn't she there? Why reach out now? Was I some secret? Did she ever want me? Truthfully, having just made the connection with them, there was no way in hell I was going to risk losing them. I did what any one else in my position would have done. I swallowed the questions, each one tasting like bile as it rolled down my throat. I had told myself it was better to not get my hopes up because they could leave again at a moments notice. I made sure I wasn't too invested emotionally and gave them bare minimal effort. My survival mode taught me it was better to do the leaving then to be left. It also taught me I couldn't mourn for something I never had.

If I remember correctly, it was a couple of weeks later that my mother reached out to me. She was back State side for a short while before moving to Italy. She invited me there to spend the week of Christmas there with her and my older brother. I accepted the invitation. Before going I made sure to repair the cracks in my mask, make sure I bottled up all my emotions and buried them as deep as I could possibly bury them. I was excited of course but I also learned to live my life in survival mode. I was finally getting the moment I dreamt about as a child. She was back but the self-sabotage kicked in again. It reminded me not to become too invested. Meeting her for the first time wasn't what I expected. We both had our guard up. It wasn't the great moment I dreamt of, so in true self-sabotaging form I rejected it. Or so I thoughts, until my old friends abandonment and acceptance rolled in. They told me to be exactly who I thought she wanted me to be. I honestly enjoyed my time with both my mother and brother. I wish I had taken my dad's advice and spoke to a therapist about this sooner because I was always in a state of conflict with myself. I wanted to get to know her but in the back of my mind I felt she would leave again so forming any kind of relationship would be pointless. Afterwards we spoke via Messenger every now and then. I attended her wedding when she married my step-father. We wished each other happy holidays, happy birthdays, and checked in every once in a while. I was content with that. I couldn't mourn something I never had so why take the chance. Through these interactions with my mother, I thought I had it under control. I was going through life being able to keep people even when it wasn't healthy. I was meeting the family I had been missing but when you don't address the true source of a problem, it will come up again in another way with a different face. I was no exception to this.

I found myself recreating the cycle of changing myself to be what others wanted in 2018. I had connected with a family member that displayed characteristics of the mother I thought I should have had. I suddenly was the little girl I was years ago. I latched onto her and wanted to so desperately please her despite what it would do to me. When things were great between us, they were amazing. I can honestly say I have been exposed to a life that I did not think I would have the opportunity to experience however, when it was bad, it was Hell all over again. Wanting to please her and constantly seeking her approval was not new to me but her criticism was very new. I never had someone not like who I was pretending to be. I was a pro at hiding Jasmine but the masked Jasmine was not working in this situation. I have learned now that when a cycle repeats itself, it will not always have the same outcome. Something inside me was waking up and saying, I cannot and will not do this again. I cannot hide who I am. I was not made to people please. I have to love myself first and these people will have to accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. It was at this point in my life, when I considered suicide. I could not handle what seemed to be constant criticism and victim blaming that was occurring. I was blamed for things I did not do because of similar mistakes I had made in the past. My word was never good enough so in my mind, I was not good enough.

Fast forwarding to present day where I have finally started to truly heal from my first box. My therapist helped me heal the mental aspect. By slowly understanding that the issues did not lie solely within me, I was able to work through the mental damage that I caused myself through the years of believing I was not enough for anyone unless I was who they thought I should be. Ms. Kim helped me understand from a spiritual, emotional and mental aspect. She constantly challenged me to look for God. To find my support in Him and through Him. I had begun to see that I was never abandoned by Him. It was my mother who is but a wo(man) that abandoned me. She is not perfect nor am I nor is anyone in this world. By navigating the mental damage and relying on the spiritual guidance provided through Ms. Kim, I was able to see that we are imperfect humans but not spiritually when God is in control.

Thanks to Ms. Kim's teaching and her guidance and me being committed to my healing, I am in a much better space. My relationships have healthy boundaries, and I'm standing in my truth. I am actually forming genuine relationships with not just my mother but my brother, stepfather, uncles, aunts and cousins. I had to release and surrender all unto God before any healing could take place. I now know He was always there with me every single step of the way, because He lives in me. He heard all my cries for help, watched all my tears, but only when I was ready did He show me my path to healing. As Ms. Kim stated in so many sessions, depression rearranged is: I pressed on. God is placing us in a press for us to change and heal. Healing is readily available and accessible but we have to want to change, we have to want to do the work. At some point in time the pain gets old. We are more than just our pain. We are more than just our traumas. God( Allah, Buddha, the Universe) didn't place us here to suffer. We are here to heal and to teach others how to heal. Someone somewhere needs to hear or read your story. Out of darkness comes light. A seed has to die before a flower can bloom, so plant yourself in love and be patient.

Travel within.

Inspire others to heal & grow.

Create the life you want to lead.

With so much love and light,

-Thee Nomadic Goddess

*Kim Warner is a spiritual life coach/advisor who helps clients deal with addiction, depression, and many other mental health issues. As well as helping clients to unpack and heal their trauma and leading them to understanding their triggers. She also offers video conference sessions. For more information about her services feel free to contact her via email: ifwbuilders@gmail.com*

#trauma #depression #abandonment #healing #motherwound